


gotta do the cooking by the book

by Anonymous



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: AU, Cooking, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Ghosts, Good Brother Ben Hargreeves, Good Brother Diego Hargreeves, Good Brother Klaus Hargreeves, Good Brother Luther Hargreeves, Good Brother Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Good Sister Allison Hargreeves, Good Sister Vanya Hargreeves, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, and everyone else being like :0, kinda sorta, klaus and ben and marilyn monroe being pals, no beta we die like men, vanya had a crush on marilyn when she was younger, you cant convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 16:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18369464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: just pure crack featuring the hargreeves, marilyn monroe, and vanya's sapphic energy





	gotta do the cooking by the book

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in an hour after having a dream about it so uh
> 
> bone apple teeth

The five siblings had gone to the mall, Klaus opted to stay home this time.

When they got home a bit early, they saw someone carrying a box of books and when they turned to go down a hall, that was apparently their dead brother.

“ _ Ben _ ?”

His eyes widened and he put the box down, looking just as surprised as they were, “You guys are back early?”

Five snorted, “And you’re back from the dead. Wanna explain how?”

Ben had the decency to look sheepish and jerked his head towards the hallway, “It’s easier if I show you.”

He walked down the hall with his siblings following, soon they heard music playing and faint laughter.

“Klaus? M?” He called.

They looked at him in uncertainty that soon morphed into bafflement when a feather light voice responded with, “In here, darling!”

From where she stood, Vanya’s eyes narrowed. Where did she recognized that voice from?

In the kitchen, they saw Klaus’ face scrunched in disgust as he whined, “I am not touching raw chicken, it feels gross!”

A short blonde woman laughed at him, “Fine, come chop the veggies, you big baby.”

The blonde turned around and before Vanya’s brain could catch up, she was blurting out words.

“Is that Marilyn fucking Monroe?”

Both the woman in question and Klaus looked up at her in shock and Vanya felt her face flush but before she could apologize, the pair in front of her looked at each other and laughed.

Klaus stopped laughing with a sigh and wiped an imaginary tear from his eye, “Why yes it is, dear sister. Marilyn, these are my siblings. Vanya, Diego, Luther, Allison, and Five. Siblings, this is Marilyn, we were making pasta for you!”

Marilyn waved with a smile, “I’d shake your hands but mine are a bit messy.”

Allison cleared her throat, “Lovely to meet you… Uh, Klaus can we talk?”

He perked up at his name being called and walked out of the room with them, not before asking Ben to take over his chopping for him.

They stood in the hallway and Diego looked at him incredulously as he spoke, “Are you gonna tell us what’s going on or should we ask the resurrected Hollywood starlet?”

“Resurre—oh! No, Marilyn is still very much dead. She and Ben can just touch stuff now.”

Vanya huffed, still reeling from the mortification of what she said, “A text would’ve been nice! Something like ‘Hey Van, the woman who caused your sexual awakening is now in our kitchen listening to ABBA’ would’ve worked fine.”

Klaus laughed, “I’ll make sure to warn you before.”

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Marilyn said shyly, “But it’s almost time to check up on my sister and her daughter. But I left the rest of the recipe taped to the fridge. I’ll see you later, Klaus?”

Klaus responded as they hugged goodbye, “Of course!”

She then turned to the others and gave them each a hug, “It was great meeting you, Klaus and Ben talk about you lot a whole bunch. It’s good to put names to faces.”

Then she disappeared, leaving the siblings (namely Vanya) in a state of shock.


End file.
